Reciting haiku to kittens

5 11 2009

My friend Jeff just sent an e-mail that ended with something about how he “likes to recite haiku to kittens.” This prompted my response below:


Could you come over and read this to ZenaB and Jasper? The two of them are driving us crazy with their food switching. Most days we are sure they both love the stuff in the dark green can (chicken feast). Then they both decide, “nah, we don’t like the smell or texture of that today. Got somethin’ else?”

Then I open another can—“hey, yummmm…you guys love anything with gravy, right? You haven’t had chicken slices-n-gravy lately. Try this.” Then they say, “Ummm…ditch that one, too, Mom. Gravy? It’s overrated. What else ya got?” (insert twitchy tale action here)

“Oh, lum lum lum…how about this “Hunter Stew” thing with venison (oh, I’m so sorry, Bambi. Michael must have bought you without my approval)…Jasper, you love venison. Sunnovabitch, you won’t eat that either? Bambi died for you—show some respect, will ya?”


There are now seven (count ’em) opened, partially eaten cans of cat food in the fridge. ZenaB used to eat anything that wasn’t fish. Jasper ate some things but always fish. Now she has noticed that when he looks up at us with that “surely you have something else to feed me—don’t you love me anymore?” look, he is presented five additional entrees until one appeals to him. Who says cats aren’t smart? Now she’s doing it! I’m going to put them in separate rooms when they eat.

Please come read any or all of the haiku below to ZenaB and Jasper for me. Maybe you can get through to them with your cat whispering skills. (Yes, I know I took liberties with the numbers of syllables).

Oh ZenaB and Jasper
You love chicken and gravy
Don’t turn your nose at me!

Do not look at me that way
I have opened five cans today
Okay then starve

One more can and that is all
oh so now you do like fish?
Do not just lick the gravy

Jasper look Hunter Stew
Oh Bambi died for you
Show some respect

I put the fresh can down
if I do not receive their gaze
I can pretend I got it right

What will I do with you
you most spoiled felines
cats are starving in India


Cat Haiku Update: Jeff responded with:

I haiku, you haiku, we all haiku!

My words have inspired
Thoughts of food and felines
Finicky are they


I read this after I had just set out two bowls for their dinner. I figured there was no way they wouldn’t eat what I put out this time. I opened three different cans and put a spoonful of each in the two bowls. Three choices, all laden with yummy gravy. I walked away as they inspected it, trying not to look back. I did look back and they both curled their lips and took two steps away from the bowl. I told ZenaB “eat it or else.” She began to eat. I walked off into the living room and then looked back to see who would emerge from the kitchen first. It was Jasper—walking toward me with a hopeful look. And since I am his servant, I went in, found something fishy (Trout Feast) and he gobbled it up. Cats. Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em.



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